So this is the end of 2011.  I'm going to write a reflection for my own enjoyment.

January: New Year's I went to a dance party with tons of friends, wore a dress I borrowed and new heels I loved, went home, slept under an electric blanket with roommates, then out to IHOP for breakfast.  Turned 25.  I also enjoyed several snow days...no school.

February: Thought I had recovered fully from a broken heart, only to find myself vulnerable (and somewhat clueless) once again....no more details, only that it didn't work out, and that's what's best for all parties involved.

March: Spring Concert with my dear middle schoolers.  The most proud I was of them all year.  Hard month emotionally.

April: Much needed Spring Break.  I actually don't even remember what I did.  I think there was some shopping, sleeping, and coffee house time in there somewhere.

May: Crazy, crazy busy month.  Performances, graduations, and a new guy.  I also started living alone for the first time in the most adorable attic apartment.  And I got a cat.

June: Went to Florida with a friend for vacation, learned what it's like to have summer off as a teacher (and still get paid bi-weekly!), started dating someone I never anticipated even knowing.

July: Attempted to be productive, attended a middle school conference, braced myself for August's quick approach.  Got mononucleosis.  Living alone started not to feel so great.

August: Recovered from mono just in time--barely--for the beginning of school.  I found myself super-pumped to start again, and super-excited to see the students.

September: Found it difficult to have a semi-long-distance relationship between two busy teacher schedules and other activities.

October: I hated living alone.  Went to the doctor and found out some not-so-awesome but hopeful info about the ol' brain.  Fall concert success with middle-schoolers.  Pretty sure I love my job.

November: Decided to move in with the friend I vacationed with in June.  Plodded through school, deadlines got closer, lost more weight, but new insights into my thinking allowed me to rest better.

December: New apartment.  Holiday concerts.  Holidays.  Christmas vacation.


And here I am, in all of this post-2011 glory, listening to David Gray and thinking about what the next year may hold.  I'll be 26 in a few days.  I feel like I'm growing into a person that I like being.

Back Down South

Kings of Leon recorded this song called "Back Down South" that breaks my heart so much that I was afraid to download it on iTunes, but I did a few minutes ago, and now I'm listening to it.

It takes me back to the summer, riding around curvy roads in the country in my boyfriend's jeep.

The other night I went up to my room to grab some wrapping paper, and he was sitting in my wicker chair playing this song on my guitar. He said, "Is this breaking your heart?" when he saw me stop in the doorway. I was staring at him, thinking this was one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking pictures I'd ever seen.

"Yes," I said, "it is."

Sometimes I feel like I need to write, but it's not as fun as I thought it would be once I sit down to do it. I can't wrangle my thoughts entirely....I can't find one thing to write about...and posting on a blog isn't the safest thing. But my hands can only keep up with my thoughts when I'm typing and not when I'm writing with a pen. My journal, thick as it is and almost full, isn't my favorite place anymore. So here I am. And I know I'm wishing for a kindred to read this and say, "Yes, I feel that way, too. I totally understand."

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Why can't I just live a simple life? I want to. I want to lay aside the urgings and unrest of my mind, enjoy my life, and be thankful. But so often I feel like I'm missing something, and I especially feel this way lately. I have this urge to do something, but what it is, I don't know.

I get overwhelmed by the demands of my job, by the problems that some of the students have, by my own desperation when I feel like I can't help them or even teach because their needs are so much greater than learning music. Some of them need so much. I don't even know what to do sometimes.

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I guess that's all for now. There's so much on my mind though. So so so much.