Discipline.

I'm not talking about self-discipline.  I'm talking about disciplining teenagers, which is something I didn't think a lot about until I had to do it.  Dealing with defiant adolescents was not something that I wished for when I blew out the candles on my 24th birthday cake.

I feel like I kind of suck at it sometimes.  I was typically compliant, so sometimes--a lot of the time--I have no idea what the heck I'm supposed to do, because I have no clue why they act out.  If I could only get inside their brains and figure out the why--and what they think they're going to get out of being disruptive.

I love teaching.  I want to be a good teacher!!!  But I seriously need some way to process and grow through discipline issues.

Someone once told me that as we grow, God reveals sin in a way like peeling off layers of an onion.

Or maybe a better way of saying it is that we see our sin, layer by layer...like that of an onion.

Okay, I'm done trying to articulate that.  You know what I mean. 

That's how I feel lately.  Thank God I'm not despairing.

There are much greater tragedies than not getting married by 30 or not getting married at all.

And there are much greater tragedies than stress from work or going through a tough breakup.

"Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:17-18

So this is the end of 2011.  I'm going to write a reflection for my own enjoyment.

January: New Year's I went to a dance party with tons of friends, wore a dress I borrowed and new heels I loved, went home, slept under an electric blanket with roommates, then out to IHOP for breakfast.  Turned 25.  I also enjoyed several snow days...no school.

February: Thought I had recovered fully from a broken heart, only to find myself vulnerable (and somewhat clueless) once again....no more details, only that it didn't work out, and that's what's best for all parties involved.

March: Spring Concert with my dear middle schoolers.  The most proud I was of them all year.  Hard month emotionally.

April: Much needed Spring Break.  I actually don't even remember what I did.  I think there was some shopping, sleeping, and coffee house time in there somewhere.

May: Crazy, crazy busy month.  Performances, graduations, and a new guy.  I also started living alone for the first time in the most adorable attic apartment.  And I got a cat.

June: Went to Florida with a friend for vacation, learned what it's like to have summer off as a teacher (and still get paid bi-weekly!), started dating someone I never anticipated even knowing.

July: Attempted to be productive, attended a middle school conference, braced myself for August's quick approach.  Got mononucleosis.  Living alone started not to feel so great.

August: Recovered from mono just in time--barely--for the beginning of school.  I found myself super-pumped to start again, and super-excited to see the students.

September: Found it difficult to have a semi-long-distance relationship between two busy teacher schedules and other activities.

October: I hated living alone.  Went to the doctor and found out some not-so-awesome but hopeful info about the ol' brain.  Fall concert success with middle-schoolers.  Pretty sure I love my job.

November: Decided to move in with the friend I vacationed with in June.  Plodded through school, deadlines got closer, lost more weight, but new insights into my thinking allowed me to rest better.

December: New apartment.  Holiday concerts.  Holidays.  Christmas vacation.


And here I am, in all of this post-2011 glory, listening to David Gray and thinking about what the next year may hold.  I'll be 26 in a few days.  I feel like I'm growing into a person that I like being.

Back Down South

Kings of Leon recorded this song called "Back Down South" that breaks my heart so much that I was afraid to download it on iTunes, but I did a few minutes ago, and now I'm listening to it.

It takes me back to the summer, riding around curvy roads in the country in my boyfriend's jeep.

The other night I went up to my room to grab some wrapping paper, and he was sitting in my wicker chair playing this song on my guitar. He said, "Is this breaking your heart?" when he saw me stop in the doorway. I was staring at him, thinking this was one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking pictures I'd ever seen.

"Yes," I said, "it is."

Sometimes I feel like I need to write, but it's not as fun as I thought it would be once I sit down to do it. I can't wrangle my thoughts entirely....I can't find one thing to write about...and posting on a blog isn't the safest thing. But my hands can only keep up with my thoughts when I'm typing and not when I'm writing with a pen. My journal, thick as it is and almost full, isn't my favorite place anymore. So here I am. And I know I'm wishing for a kindred to read this and say, "Yes, I feel that way, too. I totally understand."

///

Why can't I just live a simple life? I want to. I want to lay aside the urgings and unrest of my mind, enjoy my life, and be thankful. But so often I feel like I'm missing something, and I especially feel this way lately. I have this urge to do something, but what it is, I don't know.

I get overwhelmed by the demands of my job, by the problems that some of the students have, by my own desperation when I feel like I can't help them or even teach because their needs are so much greater than learning music. Some of them need so much. I don't even know what to do sometimes.

///

I guess that's all for now. There's so much on my mind though. So so so much.

When I was about 16, I remember reading Hebrews and writing in the margin of my Bible that "disobedience = unbelief." I don't have that Bible anymore, though I wish I did, but I can still see my own handwriting there and remember how it had dawned on me.

My unbelief leads to my disobedience. Like Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham...I too have a lack of faith and end up with my own set of problems because of that.

I want to be better, but lately I feel so disheartened. Where is my heart? Why can't I believe God's promises and have trust in His goodness?

Lord, I do believe. Please help my unbelief.